#NoGreyAreas - Consent & Relationships

PLEASE NOTE: the topics discussed on this page can be potentially triggering and upsetting for some individuals. If you are feeling vulnerable at the moment, you may want to have someone with you for support or you may not want to read the following page. The information below has predominantly been gathered from the Disrespect Nobody website. Click here to visit their page and for more information.

Here at HoW we strongly believe it's important to teach those within our community what consent is, as well as discussing the various aspects of healthy relationships. We do this with our students via campaign weeks and talks each year; however, we wanted to create a landing page that could be permanent point of reference. Below, you will find information surrounding what consent is, what does and does not contribute to a healthy relationship, assault, harassment and abuse, sexting and online pressures, and how to support and report those who need it.

 

Consent: What Is It?

According to Disrespect Nobody, consent means giving permission for something to happen or agreeing to do something and being comfortable with that decision. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, or whether you’re straight, gay or bisexual; if you’re planning to do anything sexual then both of you must give consent.

Consent has to be given freely and no one can be made to consent to something. It’s not consent if someone does something because they feel like they have to. You can also never assume that someone is giving consent – you have to be sure. Both you and the person you’re with always need to consent before sex or any intimate activity.

If you want to do something sexual with your partner, the responsibility lies with you to check for consent, not with your partner to say ‘no’ if they don’t want to.

 

The Statutory Definition of Consent

Consent: What Means Yes and What Means No?

Below, you will find clear-cut examples on what does and does not represent consent.

 

 

 

Consent: Things to Remember

There are several things to remember when seeking consent; it should be freely given, informed, ongoing and reversible, specific, and enthusiastic. Click on the drop down boxes below to hear more about each of these elements within consent.

 

 

Respect and Healthy Relationships

Respect is always an important element of maintaining any form of relationship, especially romantic relationships. Without respect, romantic relationships can become difficult, upsetting, and sometimes even abusive.

According to the Cambridge English Dictionary, respect (in the given context) refers to “politeness, honour, and care shown towards someone or something that is considered important.” This means that you show consideration towards an individual and do not wish to cause them upset, harm or discomfort.

Romantic relationships require emotional respect, physical respect and sexual respect. Each individual person will have their own boundaries when it comes to their emotions and body, meaning that just because you may find something you say or a way in which you behave acceptable, doesn’t mean somebody else will. This is why consent and having open discussions within relationships are so important, as this can help us identify each other’s boundaries and in turn, help us understand how to respect them.

If someone is in a healthy, happy and respectful relationship, they may feel happy, secure, confident, free to be themselves and in love. The below infographic demonstrates the features which make a healthy and respectful vs and unhealthy and disrespectful relationship. (The examples below are by no means extensive).

 

Controlling behaviours can often be a form of relationship abuse and disrespect, which may otherwise go unnoticed by those outside of the relationship because it’s not always a physical occurrence. Someone can be considered to be controlling if they are trying to force another individual to behave, speak, dress etc. in a certain manner.

A normal “healthy” disagreement can (and will) often take place in many relationships, where both individuals can discuss a disagreement they may be having, share their opinions, and make compromises to ensure both parties are happier moving forwards; there should not be a “winner” in such scenarios.

Below are some examples of controlling behaviours which are not part of a healthy relationship and can be considered abusive (this list is not extensive):

 

There are occasions when people may not recognise their behaviour/language as being harmful or upsetting; this sometimes may happen during the early stages of a relationship when getting to know each other and when establishing boundaries. However, if you feel as though you’re too scared to talk about your boundaries through fear of how your partner may react, or you have tried to express yourself previously and the behaviour continues, then this is not respectful nor healthy. If you recognise any of the occurrences in the above list as taking place in your own relationship, you can click here to read about further support.

 

Assault, Harassment and Abuse

PLEASE NOTE: the topics discussed in this section can be potentially triggering and upsetting for some individuals. If you are feeling vulnerable at the moment, you may want to have someone with you for support or you may not want to read the following page. Please see the bottom of this page for further support resources.

Unfortunately, assault, harassment and abuse can take place within relationships, as well as outside of relationships. Many also think that assault, harassment or abuse can only take place physically, but as we saw above, this is not the case; all can occur physically, verbally, mentally, sexually, culturally and financially.

Assault, harassment and abuse can all take place as a result of someone’s age, gender, sexual orientation, race, religion or disability being targeted. Incidents can occur as a one-off, or in an ongoing capacity; either way, they can still be considered assault, harassment and/or abuse. Click on the boxes below to read the definitions of the given terms.

It is important to remember that it is not up to you to decide what is and is not acceptable for somebody else. Just because you haven’t hit someone, used provocative language, or raped someone, does not mean that you are not being abusive. If somebody tells you they are not happy with how you’ve spoken or behaved towards them, then it is important for you to listen, acknowledge, apologise, and make sure you do not repeat the behaviour. This will keep everything consensual and respectful.

Below, you will find examples of assault and harassment. Some examples overlap and can come under multiple categories. (These lists are by no means extensive).

 

If you feel you may have experienced/be experiencing any of the examples listed above, please visit the bottom of this webpage to see a list of help resources.

 

Sexting and Online Pressures

Many people think that sexual abuse and harassment can only take place in a physical capacity, but this isn’t true. Social media and mobile phones are such a huge force nowadays and whereas they come with a lot of positives, they can come with a lot of negatives too, particularly when it comes to relationship-based pressures. The Disrespect Nobody website looks specifically at the act of sexting, signs that you’re being pressured to sext, and potential consequences of sexting. We wanted to take the time to share such information and highlight potential warning signs that you (or someone you know) may be being mistreated.

According to Disrespect Nobody, “Sexting is when someone sends or receives a sexually explicit text, image or video.  This includes sending ‘nude pics’, ‘rude pics’ or ‘nude selfies’. Pressuring someone into sending a nude pic can happen in any relationship and to anyone, whatever their age, gender or sexual preference.” Whereas sexting may sound as though it only takes place via text, this can take place over other platforms such as Snapchat, Messenger, Instagram and Twitter too.

Below, you will see some examples of signs that indicate you're being pressured into sexting.

 

Legal Consequences of Sexting - Taking, possessing or sharing a sexually explicit picture or video of someone under 18 is against the law. It doesn’t matter if they gave you permission, someone else sent it to you, you’ve never met them before, you are under 18 too or it’s a selfie. You and anyone else involved could be investigated by the police, and this could even affect your future education and employment.
If you are over 18 and you send an image of yourself to someone who is also over 18, this is not a crime. However, you should not share anyone else’s nude pictures, even if they are 18+. If you forward a nude or sexually explicit picture or video of someone without their consent, you’re breaking the law and taking part in abuse that could cause them serious distress.

Potential Repercussions of Sexting: ‘Once it’s gone, it’s gone’ - When you share a picture or video online or on your phone, you lose control of it. Pictures can be quickly shared over the internet and once somebody else has it they can send it to anyone, such as friends, family, teachers, employers etc. You may feel as though you can trust whoever you’re sexting, but unfortunately there might be a time in future where they aren’t so trust-worthy.

Potential Repercussions of Sexting: Blackmail – If you send a picture you wouldn’t want other people to see, then you could be in danger of being blackmailed. The person who received it might threaten to share the photo unless you send them more or do what they ask of you. If you are gay or bi-sexual, this could include threatening to ‘out’ you, or you could experience homophobic or bi-phobic bullying, along with the humiliation of the image being shared.

For more information and support specific to sexting, click here.

 

How to Support & Report

There are many ways in which we can show support for others when they need someone to confide in. However, it can be very tricky when the support needed revolves around relationship/sexual abuse, harassment and assault. If you feel you are able to listen and offer support, you might want to remember the following pointers to help navigate difficult conversations/scenarios:

It is important to remember that if the subject at hand is triggering for yourself or you feel you aren’t equipped to handle what you’re being told, there are numerous professional resources which you can signpost people to in order to gain help. If you or someone you know may need professional support as a result of relationship abuse, take a look at the resources below for further assistance.

Remember: if you are in immediate danger you should always call 999. If you're deaf or hard of hearing, contact the Police textphone service using 18000. If you cannot talk on the phone, any member of the public can also text the Police using 999 in an Emergency situation; however, you must register for this service first. Register today by texting ‘REGISTER’ to 999 and follow the instructions.

 

Support Resources

Below, you will find several lists with support resources tailored to different demographics, including children, men, women, LGBTQ+ and general, all-encompassing resources (including ones for individuals who feel they may be abusing their partner).